The last month was heartbreaking and crushing than all the previous months. I had such high hopes last month, but there was nothing… Yet, I again look forward to something positive this month. For several years after my marriage, I ever look forward to something positive every month. The sight of blood each month has become so dreadful to me that it claws at my soul, a scarlet reminder of my unfulfilled dreams. My husband loves me so much–I know it–but because of my situation after so many years, he has taken a step to get himself another wife. His new wife, Peninnah, has taken seed upon seed, giving him multiple children. Yet, I still suffer to even give him a single child. Oh Lord, when shall I also rejoice and take comfort in being a pregnant woman? Shall I die barren and childless?
I lived and walked in all the counsels of Jehovah. I kept myself pure and chaste, marrying as a virgin to the man I love. Our marital home was peaceful and rich with love, as month after month and year after year, I looked on helplessly and disappointingly to menstrual blood instead of to an enlarging womb. It weighed heavily on my spirit as people began to talk and look down on me. I could not even go out again to play with family and friends for fear of being ridiculed. The confines of my home became my solace as depression quietly set in…
In my solitude I fought with my thoughts and questioned God’s justice. The cries and plays of others’ children awakened bitterness and jealousy in me. I kept on asking: “Why me, LORD? Why must I endure the jeers of those who should comfort me? Am I invisible to You?”
Unable to wait any longer, my husband, Elkanah, decided to marry again so that he can get a child. It was a difficult and painful decision: for the peace and harmony of the home will not be the same again. Peninnah, Elkanah’s new wife, became a part of our household and got pregnant within a year. People thronged our home to give their gifts, well-wishes, and blessings. My husband was a happy man, and I was happy for him and the family; yet it only made my situation the more difficult. The visitors used the occasion to ridicule me with their actions. I was so uncomfortable and depressed. Notwithstanding, I had to force a smile and put on a face of happiness so that people do not accuse me of being jealous of Peninnah.
Like so many women before and after me, I hid my pain behind smiles and silence, bearing my grief in secret while the world celebrated around me.
The weight of my despair was a shroud I could not cast off. Only those who have walked through this valley of tears can truly understand. I longed for death, for anything to end the agony that seeped into every corner of my life. The walls of my home, once a haven, now felt like a prison. Even the sunlight through the windows mocked me, a cruel reminder of joy I could not share. Year after year, Peninnah got pregnant while I stayed barren. Anxiety alone sapped my life away. I had no appetite for food nor peace to think straight. Oh, the woes of barrenness! Can there be anything worse than it? Oh, Hannah, will this be my lot until the grave? It reminded me of Rachel, who cried unto Jacob after years of barrenness, “Give me children, or else I die.” (Genesis 30:1)
Despite all the attention and praise Peninnah obtained, she was still jealous of my husband’s love and affection for me. It therefore happened that when we went for the annual feast at the LORD’s Sanctuary at Shiloh, Peninnah mocked me sore for getting a double portion of the meat that I could not keep my grief and sorrow any longer. Peninnah’s words were sharp daggers, her laughter a whip lashing my already wounded heart. I burst into uncontrollable tears and wailed openly and helplessly. Elkanah felt helpless and desperately remarked: “Hannah, why weepest thou? and why eatest thou not? and why is thy heart grieved? am not I better to thee than ten sons?” (1 Samuel 1:8). He couldn’t comfort me. My grief was beyond human expression.
I withdrew from the table and went to the place of prayer before the Sanctuary. At the feast, the laughter of the jubilant crowd rang like bells in my ears, a cruel melody as I choked back tears, hiding the storm raging within me. I fell to my knees, my body trembling as I poured out my soul to the Almighty. Tears streamed unchecked, pooling at my hands as I whispered my plea: “‘O LORD, look upon my misery and remember me.’ My voice broke with desperation, but my heart surged with a faint spark of hope. I have walked blamelessly in Your sight, O LORD. I have kept my vows, yet my arms remain empty. Must I endure this humiliation forever?” The High Priest, seeing me in prayer, thought I was overcome by wine and rebuked me; but I told him:
“… No, my lord, I am a woman of a sorrowful spirit: I have drunk neither wine nor strong drink, but have poured out my soul before the LORD. Count not thine handmaid for a daughter of Belial: for out of the abundance of my complaint and grief have I spoken hitherto.” (I Samuel 1:15).
He then blessed me, and I left to join my husband and the family: I was so comforted and at peace, my faith grasping the promises of Jehovah and trusting that my prayer was heard and answered (1 Samuel 1:18). Within a few months I took seed! Oh, dear reader, words and speech can never describe my joy and fulfillment. After years of expectation, the LORD finally heard me and lifted my reproach. The swelling of my belly felt like the rising of the sun after years of endless night. For once, my tears were not of sorrow but of unspeakable joy. I took seed and was going to be a mother too. Oh, what a glorious blessing. What a shame to all my detractors and mockers. Oh Hannah, am I to be counted among women and mothers?
I loved the child with all my heart for he was all that I had. I called him “Samuel, …, Because I have asked him of the LORD.” Although he was my only child, I fulfilled my vow to the LORD and sent him to Eli when he was 7 years. The LORD also blessed my faithfulness and gave me more children. Oh glory, glory, glory hallelujah! Behold what the LORD has done: that I Hannah, will no more be called barren. The blessings of Sarah, Rebeccah, and Rachel, who were also barren for years, have fallen on me. So, the LORD hears and sees the cries and prayers of the barren (Genesis 16:13-14)?
Therefore, dear reader, do not be despondent and depressed, whatever your situation or sorrow is. Do not let the mockery, taunts, and reproach of your circumstances fill you with sorrow and grief. Look up to the Father above and pour out your soul to Him. He heard me and He shall hear all who come to Him in faith and tears. When He does bless you, do not forget to fulfill your vow and promise.
In my darkest hours, I felt forgotten. But the LORD was there, watching, waiting for the right time. Remember this: even when you feel unseen, you are never unnoticed.
